Christmas Without You

This is a poem I wrote the year my mum passed away. Even though Christmas has passed, I thought I would share it again as a special tribute to her, my little bird!

I tried to forget you yesterday
Pretended the day wasn’t about you
No celebration, no memorial or tasteful display
Just a drink and a quick prayer to chase out blues

Now the clock is ticking
Santa is drawing near
We’ve put up your Christmas decoration
Since you won’t be here

No struggling, cursing, crying
To get you through the door
And the happy sense of achievement
When your wheels touch the kitchen floor

We won’t choose the meal together
Since last year’s meal was your last
No fighting over whose house to visit
Now that you’re in the past

I’m going to try not to miss you
When I don’t see you sitting there
Children reaching to open their presents
They’ve kept back, so that moment, with you, they could share

Every minute of Christmas this year
Will breathe in for a new tradition
As you, dear Mum won’t be there
Since you’ve taken a life-long intermission.

The Cave

They say, running away from your problems solves nothing. Well, I love to be different!

Monday Coffee

Hello and welcome home. The kettle is boiling and I’ve stacked up some delicious pastries for our coffee morning. Why not go on through to the living room and take a look at the Christmas tree.

After another weekend of sickness bugs and the flu doing its round in our home, I’m really looking forward to the final week of school. Not only will my work be winding down but this is my last week of uni studies too before the Christmas break.

How has your term been? Have you found an increase in sickness in your home around this time of year?

Those who follow me on Facebook will know that our family suffered a great loss three weeks ago, which I feel now contributes to the low mood in our household and the slow healing process. It has been difficult and sometimes involves heart-breaking chats about death with my youngest sprog who is still spiralling from the loss of his best friend – the four-legged kind.

Filling that cavernous hole left by our beloved dog, Henry, we’ve decided to fill our Christmas with little events that will pick up our spirits. Planning a special family dinner and prepping for our traditional bake-off on Christmas Eve seems to have helped and the promise of a new plan for the new year has the family focused towards the future.

What has caught us all by surprise are the cats – they’ve taken over the house! From sleeping in our bedroom to vocalising their every need, they’ve decided that us hoomans need to serve them and enjoy their presence in a way cats can only force you to endure. When they think we aren’t looking, they congregate on the landing and sit there like Stonehenge monoliths, silently engaging in cat conversations that end abruptly when they notice a hooman walking by. This circle of secret silence unnerves me and I do feel the balance of power slipping away from the two-legged members of the family! So, if you see little paws reaching for your knee, run!

On that note, I’d best let you escape our mad house before the cats rope you into cleaning their cat box of feeding them every few hours. Enjoy the festive season and do keep in touch.

Thanks for stopping by.

Remember Me

When you heart stops fluttering

When those thrills stop coming

Remember me.
I was your one, your forever

Sending chills to your members

Remember me.
Stop the cussing, I still love you

Broken hearts fusing without glue

Remember me.
Hold the angry words, the hatred

I shared your bed, love unabated

Remember me.
Cold nights alone, you’re out there smiling

New sweethearts, new relations shining 

Remember me.
Still as my tombstone, you remember

Celebrate my memory, birthday’s in November

Remember me.

Image courtesy of favim.com

Poem of the Heart

  The sadness within is self-inflicted

Giving my heart to a stranger, a woe

Time is as unforgiving as the witness

To the strangulation of my love that’s grown.
Each to his or her own danger

Of loving the jailor of your heart

Mine is such a tragedy

For I find it impossible to part.
Take heed from my experience

Keep safe the pumping organ inside

Save it from the myriad of tragedies

Blowing in with life’s flowing tide.

Pic courtesy of 7-themes.com 

Monday Coffee

 It is one of my favourite days of the week and today I really fancy a chat with you.  Shall we get a coffee at our favourite place?  Let’s go.

It has been an awful weekend with sadness overwhelming any happy moments that have occurred.  So many lives lost over the past week, both man made and natural events.  As we order our beverages, let’s take a moment to think of the families left behind.  

Now I don’t want to scream blue murder, nor do I want to cry and beat my chest in anger.  No, instead I want to raise my cup to the brave souls who have held an injured person’s hand this weekend, or stroked the head of a soul leaving this earth, comforting them in their last breath. It doesn’t have to be under the extreme circumstances, life tends to give us ample opportunity to care for others through all walks of life. I want to smile and thank the medical teams who work tirelessly to save the precious lives of our dear ones and miss their own families to make sure ours stay intact.  I’m sure you get the gist of what I’m trying to say.  It’s only in darkness that we see the stars appear, those beckons of light and hope in a world of confusion and fear.

As we sip our coffee, I’d like to know how your weekend panned out.  Did you achieve all you set out to do, or like me, did quite a few things fall off the list?  I would show you my plans for next year and how I have already set up ridiculous goals for myself and the family, hoping we at least touch some of them.  Did you know that this week, I will be one year older?  Not that it makes much difference as I stopped counting a while back.  My children thought they would do me a favour and picked up the habit for me, adding two more years to my age.  Such kind little sprogs!

How goes your NaNoWriMo?  Are you over the halfway mark yet?  My abysmal attempt this year has been hampered by work and a lack of motivation in my story.  The characters flop around helplessly in my head and should be fired! I need a fiery boost to get me to the end, which will be dire if I fail.  The children I have encouraged to take up the task will not be impressed by an adult who says but does not do.  What do you think I should do to kick my story into gear?

Of course, since we are sitting together, we should discuss cakes, even birthday cakes.  It has been mentioned how delicious the triple chocolate cake displayed at the top of this post looks very appealing.  I think this would make the perfect birthday cake, don’t you?  I hope you will join me for a slice as we discuss the future of my book and your projects.  

Mihran is just about to play a new song for us and before he starts, I just want to say thank you for visiting and sharing a cup with me.

Hard Thursday

I’ve been good this week.  Tear ducts were dry and barren through the prep work for Bird’s send off.  

Until today.

Today was a challenge.  So many moments flared my sensitive nose and treacherous eyes; hugs from friends, close family and loving workmates set me off like a timed sprinkler system.  I almost questioned why I had come in to work to act like their personal tragedy walking around the library.  

Almost.

It was during our morning mass, as I sat there promising myself I wouldn’t tear up, that my friend/workmate leaned over and whispered, “If it gets too bad, I’ll hold your hand.” Such a simple thing to say, but it warmed me up and made me giggle.  I could picture the children sitting at our feet looking at us as if we were completely mad.  It made me want to laugh out loud.  I realised that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but in the fold of friends who find the time to make you laugh when tears are the easiest things to reach.

Later, I sat in the library smiling at the passing teachers and the innocent faces of the children going to class.  My mind drifted to a message a friend had sent.  She pointed out this moment in life was like Dorothy riding through the storm that whipped her away from all she loved into the midst of a tornado with no direction to get home. Emotions might be in turmoil, but you meet amazing people along the way.  People who might normally feel like strangers that are willing to go out of their way to make you feel better.  People who message to find out if you’re okay, or send food, spend time with you, send cards and teddy bears and flowers.  People who don’t really have to but they do.

Yes, the wicked witch of sadness might be circling with her crying monkeys of terror, but there is always someone there to chase her away.

I checked my shoes to see if they had turned red and I clicked them together three times just for the fun of it.  

There’s no place like home!

Picture Courtesy of flavorwire.com

Bird

Last breath, last touch

Fluttering eyelids mean so much

Last sun, first tear

Time drawing ever near

Last flower, last breeze

No-one to break the silence

Like my big sneeze!

Last count of the final hour

Good-bye to my Bird

As she leaves her tower.

Copyright held by Eloise De Sousa (2015).

Pic courtesy of http://www.modern50.com

Reminiscing

Stationery for a time
Failing to see all the lies
Quoting lyrics by the line
Friendship’s broken ties so blind

Feeling High!

I’m celebrating tonight. It’s been the shittiest week for a long time and I need a high. My mum fell last Saturday and was admitted into hospital on Tuesday with a bleed to the brain. I have watched her go from a bright, sparkly woman to a slurry spoken, confused stranger. We thought we would lose her on Wednesday night, but have seen a miraculous improvement over the past day and a half.

Tomorrow is going to be a whole new set of challenges and traumas. Today was the choice of staying at the hospital or rushing home to a sickly child throwing up everywhere. Today I want to celebrate the plateau she has reached where she remembers her birthday, can recite the names of her grandchildren and close family and friends after losing the ability. I want to celebrate the fact that the sickly child has eaten dinner and is snuggled up safe and sound with the rest of the family watching movies. Yes, tomorrow’s problems will come but tonight, I’ll enjoy the eye of the storm.

A special thanks to my friends and fellow bloggers who have kept the darkness at bay and given me something to smile about and forget my troubles for a moment. Big hugs to you all. 🙂