Christmas Without You

This is a poem I wrote the year my mum passed away. Even though Christmas has passed, I thought I would share it again as a special tribute to her, my little bird!

I tried to forget you yesterday
Pretended the day wasn’t about you
No celebration, no memorial or tasteful display
Just a drink and a quick prayer to chase out blues

Now the clock is ticking
Santa is drawing near
We’ve put up your Christmas decoration
Since you won’t be here

No struggling, cursing, crying
To get you through the door
And the happy sense of achievement
When your wheels touch the kitchen floor

We won’t choose the meal together
Since last year’s meal was your last
No fighting over whose house to visit
Now that you’re in the past

I’m going to try not to miss you
When I don’t see you sitting there
Children reaching to open their presents
They’ve kept back, so that moment, with you, they could share

Every minute of Christmas this year
Will breathe in for a new tradition
As you, dear Mum won’t be there
Since you’ve taken a life-long intermission.

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For you, Mum

I still feel an overwhelming sense of loss when I hear this song, and I feel like crying.  But then I remember how much you loved this song and the way you smiled when it played.  

Missing you.

Six Month Anniversary

  To Mum,

 

I still miss you so,

It may only be six months,

But I miss you more

Time has given no comfort

I may smile and play

Laugh all day

But I still miss you so.

 

Now that you’ve gone

All the memories

Fights we’ve lost and won

Happy games we played

The children have grown

And my heart still groans

Because I still miss you so.

 

Special days, like anniversaries

And your birthday, don’t forget Christmas

As I plan each day, I pause to say

How Mum would have loved

Each of these moments

And I still miss you so.

 

My tears still fall on the inside

There’s no time to stall in this busy hive

So I move along and hum your favourite songs

Thinking of your smile, your jokes and wicked humour

The way you riled me so easily and we’d knock heads

No-one’s there to fill me with dread and laughter

So I still miss you so.

End of a Chapter

I’m closing another chapter.   No, not one of my books, but life itself.  It’s a pleasant yet somewhat scary feeling of moving forward and stepping over the tragedies of the past.  My focus is still unclear and wavering, but the intention to move towards clarity is getting stronger.  That’s excitement right there!

At the end of this chapter, the feeling of overcoming so much which seemed little at the time makes me question my inner strength.  Knowing that life’s book is unpredictable and sketchy at best, I’m trying to implement changes to make me happier.  Not much time left if you think about it.  

Now I have to tackle big projects that have been placed on hold for far too long.  I’m clearing out my bat cave, ready for the future.  Dreams might just become a reality with the right amount of effort.  So, as I close off my Tuesday, thinking about books and life, I wonder, what would you change in your life to make your dreams come true?

One Month To Live

I wrote a short story about about a daughter following her mother’s final days on earth and how quickly the time elapsed.  From one month, it turned to far less.  How ironic is it that after writing this book nearly twenty years ago, I am living the nightmare?

Bird

Last breath, last touch

Fluttering eyelids mean so much

Last sun, first tear

Time drawing ever near

Last flower, last breeze

No-one to break the silence

Like my big sneeze!

Last count of the final hour

Good-bye to my Bird

As she leaves her tower.

Copyright held by Eloise De Sousa (2015).

Pic courtesy of http://www.modern50.com

Bird

Soft and plush

Skin so lush

Never a wrinkle

Only a blush

Snuggled and dear

Face not clear

Hidden with twinkling eyes

So clear

Feisty to all

Having a ball

Shirking death

With every breath

Counting the days

Seeing she’s okay

Not long to go

Pain will show

Until the last

Breath has passed

My bird will stay

Hidden away

Under the covers

Everyday.